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Comedy Editorial : Zahra Barri admits to her own wrong doings regarding consent during sex.

A lot of men are threatened by the #MeToo campaign because they think that they will get less sex. Others say it’s not about reducing the amount of sex men are having it’s about reducing the amount of sex women are having. I don’t think the #MeToo campaign is anything to do with sex. It’s about power. Everything is ALWAYS about power.

I’m a Feminist, which contrary to some people’s beliefs does not mean that I hate men and want women to have all the power. It means I love men and women equally. This sounds like the definition of being bisexual but it is also the definition of being a feminist. Feminists believe in equality of power for both genders and those that identify as non binary. I have a particular respect for the latter as it was them and not my English Language teacher that finally made me understand what a pronoun is. Thank you Jinx Monsoon, Eddie Izzard et al.

As a feminist it’s important to dissect the #MeToo campaign from a gender unbiased manner. Particularly regarding sexual consent. The issue of consent within the genre (yes, genre) of #MeToo has got me thinking about my own misconduct and sexual deviance. As a result I have now stopped putting holes in my boyfriend’s condoms without his knowledge. I never got his consent. I can now see that it was wrong to use my power as a woman in charge of her own birth control to manipulate a man into a tyranny of alimony and Fathers for Justice marches. I also misled him by stipulating that I never forget to take my contraceptive pill when more often than not the actuality is that I forget to re-order my prescription, ring around my friends for a spare packet and/or miraculously find a spare one at the nth hour down the back of the sofa.



I never asked him whether he wanted a child. In my defence he was asking for it by the clothes he was wearing (corduroy), his moves on the dance floor and the way that he insisted on me calling him ‘Daddy’. For months I manipulated him into bed under the pretence that it was because I wanted to show him how much I loved him when really I was using him for his body…..and what it secretes. To satisfy my own selfish maternal instinct. Not a care for his reproductive rights.

I creepily wore that silky Ann Summers robe and pounced on him while he was most vulnerable. Drunk and horny on the couch. (I got a bargain on Amazon recently, on Miramax dressing gowns- the bright side of the Weinstein scandal). My boyfriend’s cries of, ‘you definitely took your pill? I am ashamed to say I shushed with the violent slapping of my breast across his face.

He didn’t stand a chance. He was powerless. When it was over I felt filthy, like a monster. Yet, also a wicked sense of power that filled me with a sneery glee. ‘The Power of A Woman’ by Eternal I played post coitus as I reeled in a smug glow.



So I empathise with Weinstein. I know how it is when you want something out of someone so badly you don’t care if you’re hurting, fooling or fucking with them. On a smaller scale I once choose a housemate I met on spareroom.com just because she had a lean mean fat reducing grilling machine and a Now TV subscription. She thought I liked her for her personality and our mutual love of Nando’s. Bless.

We are all selfish at heart. The rise of narcissist is upon us (Trump). The age of Individualism is taking over (Brexit). It doesn’t surprise me that the news is saturated with stories of people screwing each other over.

This is a complete work of fiction. Characters, events and incidents are the product of the writer’s imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. What I’m saying is I am not trying to get pregnant without my boyfriend’s consent.

Zahra Barri is at the following Festivals with her new stand up comedy show, ‘Zahra: Warrior Not Princess’, a show about femininity and fighting:

APRIL
Merthyr Tydfil Comedy Festival, Saturday 14th April, 3.30pm Woodfired
Furthest From the Sea Festival, Saturday 21st April, 2pm, Doughnotts in The Cathedral Quarter, Derby
MAY
Cambridge Fringe Festival, Sunday 6th May, 4pm, The Boathouse
Wandsworth Fringe Festival, Tuesday 15th and Thursday 17th May, 7.15pm
Brighton Fringe Festival, Monday 28th May, Caroline of Brunswick at 3.45pm
JUNE + JULY
Hasting Fringe Festival, Saturday 16th June, 8:45pm, Electric Palace
Guildford Fringe Festival, Monday 9th July,  7.30pm The Keep Pub

AUGUST:

Edinburgh Fringe Festival, Cabaret Voltaire, Cinema Room, 2nd -26th August at 3.15pm everyday.