Editorial : A Social Media Guide For The Antisocial.
Antisocial media? Keeping a low profile? More stalker than follower? Not liking it? Here’s some top tips to keeping savvy, social and smart on all those public displays of attention apps.
‘In the future, everyone will trend on Twitter for 15 minutes.’ Notandddy Warhol
Don’t go on Facebook.
Facebook was cool up until all the Mums joined. As soon as my Mum starts approving of anything I get put off. Like my Sixth Form College boyfriend. When she gave the thumbs up to him I just knew I had to dump him. Facebook is where you lose your social media virginity but it’s not the one you stay with for the rest of your timeline.
Don’t follow people who have better lives than you. I learnt this when I started following Victoria and David Beckham’s Dog. And Holly Willoughby. Unfollow those perfect bitches and replace them with people like David Cameron’s daughter. Now you’re not bothered about not getting invited to the NTA’s Party and more relieved you’re not a member of the Tory Party.
Don’t make yourself look like a bunny rabbit. It infantilises women. We can’t be third wave feminists AND pretty little things, (unless your third wave is from GHD’s). Emma Watson has defied all odds being a Disney Princess and a Feminist but normal women can’t have it all. By posting pics of yourself looking like a character from My Little Pony on ecstasy you are just perpetuating the ideology that girls are pretty, little fairies that smell of roses and gummy bears. The world needs to know that the only reasons our tits are hot is because we’ve burnt our bras and we quite often smell like kebabs. What I’m saying is don’t be a child, be a Woman and delete that snapchat bunny rabbit app.
Don’t retweet praise. It reeks of narcissism. Please note this tip is only for women because for some reason narcissistic, self-obsessed, arrogant, men I want to fuck. But narcissistic, self-obsessed, arrogant women- what a bitch. (See, Sexism does exist – people who say it doesn’t.)
Do break up a celeb marriage via DM with X-rated pics. Just don’t go for some C-lister like Vernon Kaye. Go for someone with a bit more kudos, like Philip Schofield.
Do post a lot. If you don’t post it’s like a tree falling in the woods when no one is there; no sound. If it’s not online it’s like it never happened and that’s just sad. This might work if you don’t post a picture of your lunch, the calories don’t count. But other than that, share away!
Don’t be Dim Kartrashian
Be Kim Kardashian. Think of your online presence like an episode of The Kardashians, heavily edited and completely contrived. So, don’t post something that’s more channel 5 than Chanel No. 5. Trip to Paris = Yes. Trip to Poundland = No. Trip to Paris and you get robbed = Double Yes.
Do post selfies of your lips looking massive. To do so, watch an episode of Kylie Jenner’s spin off show ‘Life Of Kylie’. The show makes you want to punch yourself repeatedly in the face thus achieving the desired swollen lip effect for optimum selfie Instagram pouts.
Don’t Get Political. Whilst commenting on topical news shows an aptitude for current affairs, always remain impartial and politically ambiguous. Don’t let your social status reveal your political stance. IRL your actual social status already does this (ever seen a skint Tory? No, me neither) but your online social status shouldn’t.
For example, don’t say:
‘I’m anti immigration and anti abortion’
Its too right wing, it will rile the left. Also they negate each other because if you don’t want any more people coming into your country why do you want less abortions?
Watching Stephen Hawking Doc. Boyf: How does he connect Einstein’s theory of relativity to black holes? Me: Yeah and how does he wank?
This status appeases both the snowflakes and the ‘always think they’re Right wingers’ thus ensuring you don’t start an online Jezzer Kyle show and end up getting online bullied and have your girlfriend’s posting ‘R U OK Hun’ all over your wall. According to the left, online bullying is a real problem. Even though it’s not real, its virtual.
And finally…..Don’t ever, ever, EVER stand in front of a mirror and take a selfie.
Zahra is at Dave Leicester Comedy Festival 24th feb with her new show Zahra Barri: Warrior Not Princess info HERE