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“How do I Leave a Whatsapp Group That I Have Been Forced To Be In Without Anyone Noticing That I Have Left?” by Comedian Zahra Barri

As always our columnist Zahra gives us answers to all of life’s big questions. Today she answers the age old question:

“How do I Leave a Whatsapp Group That I Have Been Forced To Be In Without Anyone Noticing That I Have Left?”

It’s the question that plagues most of us. Along with ‘What Is the Meaning of Life?’ and ‘Will My Family Accept Me if I come out as Vegan?’ and ‘What the fuck is that weird knobby bit of skin on my lower back?’

Last time I checked, I ask myself the question, ‘How Do I Leave a Whatsapp Group Without Anyone Knowing?’ at least twenty times a day. I’ve tried every search on Google, Internet Explorer, hell even Bing, but all of them gave me no real answers and don’t even get me started on what Alexa told me to do. Talks of ‘archiving’ and ‘muting’ and ‘disabling groups’ pepper the tech forums but, alas, they all prove futile. Still, a thousand notifications do I doth receive. Be still my beeping Whatsapp. Be still.

Enough is enough. It’s time to take back control. This might be the age of #MeToo, but hundreds of thousands of innocent people are, without their consent, put into Whatsapp Groups they do not wish to be part of. But guess what, Whatsapp? #Time’sUp

 Natalie Portman might have worn an Oscar Dress with all the female directors that have been overlooked because of their gender but I’ve just stitched a jumper with all the names of the WhatsApp groups I have been put into without my consent. That’s right, I’m taking back control!

So, you too want to know how to leave this notorious millennial phenomenon that is the Whatsapp group without anyone knowing?

Now the decision to leave a WhatsApp group is not something to take lightly. One should take as much time and think considering whether they want to leave a WhatsApp group than they did leaving any other important institution. Because once you do: there’s no going back. And your actions could mean that people start calling you a racist.

“Ask yourselves not what Whatsapp can do for you but what you can do for Whataspp?”

Are you sure that you want to pull out?

Of course, sometimes you know when pulling out of something is absolutely the right thing to do, like a baby shower for example, or a christening or your boyfriend (pulling out of you). Netflix and my mum if you’re reading this, FOR THE FINAL TIME- NO I AM NOT INTERESTED IN BABIES.

But sometimes pulling out of something needs a lot more analysis. Especially something so final as leaving a WhatsApp group.

So as with any big decision, you must draw up a list of pros and cons. For example, this is an extract from my diary when I was 16 when I was deciding whether to dump my boyfriend Dave:

“ Cons:

Drug dealer

Parents don’t like him.

Pros :

Drug dealer

Parents don’t like him.

He has a car.”

Ah, young love. So pure.

In much the same way, we must evaluate the good, the bad and the ugly of Whatsapp, before you make the no going back decision of leaving the group- so here goes:

The Good

  • You feel like you are meeting up with friends without actually having to meet up with friends
  • Writing the title of the group chat is such a fun part of the WhatsApp experience that brings everyone an immense amount of joy.
  • Everyone is competing to be the wittiest. WhatsApp makes people seem about 45% funnier than they are in real life.
  • The Whatsapp Voice Note. It’s like a voicemail but you actually listen to it.
  • Not to sound like a contestant on ‘First Dates’ but I am all about the ‘bantz’

The Bad

  • It is possible that one is a member of too many WhatsApp groups. For example, Like many women I’m a member of 12 WhatsApp groups all with the word ‘brunch’ in the title. (HELP.)
  • Most people’s mums are now capable of using WhatsApp
  • Read Receipts. Blue ticks on Twitter = GOOD Blue Ticks on Whatsapp = Bad
  • Most of the ‘bantz’ involves finding a date that you are all free to meet up, which is most of the time near impossible and when you do set a date, I shit you not, 9 times out of 10, most people will cancel. Leaving you back to Square 1, finding another date to meet up which inevitably will not happen due to Corona Virus and/or tubes not running or someone being hideously hungover (which by the way is the only viable excuse).
  • ‘is typing…..’ fills you with impending fear.

The Ugly

  • BEING FORCED TO BE IN A WHATSAPP GROUP WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT.

Still, want to know how to leave a Whatsapp Group without anyone knowing?

OK. Here’s how:

  • Archive the Chat.
  • Then Mute it.
  • Then disable it.
  • Then put your phone on aeroplane mode.
  • Then flush your phone down the toilet.

You’re welcome.

Zahra Barri is performing her solo stand up show at Vault Festival, Tuesday 17th March, Hello Darling For TicketsFollow Zahra on  Twitter and Instagram