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The Tawdry Tory, LadBaby, is at the Forefront of the Christmas Culture Proxy War Once Again (Resistance Isn’t Futile). 

Tawdry Christmas chart-topper, LadBaby, is greedily gunning for another number-one hit after four consecutive years of debasing the charts and depriving artists with a molecule of talent about them from reaching the top. 

Though the husband-and-wife duo feigned some self-awareness and deliberation to debut a new sonic monstrosity this year during the announcement. Unsurprisingly, their ego disguised as benevolence fuelled the move to push themselves back into the public consciousness. 

Spoken like a true Tory, the pasty-eating public appeaser, Mark Hoyle, appeared on Good Morning Britain on December 14th to vow that if people support foodbanks all year round, he will never make another attempt to make another Christmas number 1 hit. If only there were someone else to hold accountable to feed the ever-growing number of people relying on foodbanks, which now outnumber McDonald’s outlets in the UK 2 to 1. 

If only he had the mental acumen to realise that the Tory party, which he has publicly lauded, is the primary cause of the food poverty in the UK that is making a mockery of our status as a first-world country. But, of course, he wants to get in bed with the Conservatives now that the duo has a net worth of £1.2 million after the success of his heavily subscribed YouTube channel that has dulled the mind of 1.08 million subscribers. 

It is hardly like he is asking us to feed the 5,000 by holding the UK public to ransom. Between April and September, 1.3 emergency food parcels were supplied by the charity he is supporting under the unconvincing guise of a selfless do-gooder. LadBaby is pitching straight out of the Thatcher playbook in his unwillingness to accept that the state has a role in ensuring we are not plunged further into a Dickensian dystopia. 

Support the Trussell Trust by all means, but there is no reason to leave him at the vanguard as he adds to the arsenal in the cultural proxy war that is progressively desecrating the music industry in the UK. 

There is a pervasive belief amongst people outside of grassroots music communities and industries that no more good music is in production. The adage they don’t make them like they used to echoes around the mainstream social discourse. To quash that belligerent ignorance, here are five artists FAR more deserving of the Christmas number one spot this year. 

1. Sam Scherdel & Harri Larkin 

After a string of successful husky indie rock singles this year, Sheffield singer-songwriter Sam Scherdel teamed up with Harri Larkin to rework Fairytale of New York. Not only did he do the Pogues justice with this reformation. He also breathed new strident life into the Christmas playlist staple by creating a striking contrast between his Waitsy vocals, the clean cut of the piano keys, folky strings and Harri Larkin’s evocatively glassy timbre. 




2.Jamie Jamal & Kiffle  

If you are looking for a charity single to invest in, make it the punchy synthy hit, The Night Before Christmas, by Jamie Jamal & Kiffle. All proceeds will be donated to Help the Homeless. If there is going to be any single that you are sad to let go of when the festive season is over, it will be this electro-pop earworm that suckers the soul as viscerally as Grandaddy. 


3. Quireboys 

Quireboys came out of retirement to support the charity Care After Combat this year with their reverently rock n roll tear-jerking single, Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. It is the first release from the original Quireboys line-up in almost three decades; they have lost none of the talent and impact that sealed their riotous success. If you can’t afford to put the heating on, at least your jaded souls can warm to this wholesome AF rock n roll single. 




4.  The Kunts 

Of course, The Kunts had to make the list of artists who deserve to reach the number one spot over LadBaby. Fuck the Tories is the third Christmas single to bid for the number one position. It may not be one of the most stellar feats of songwriting you have ever heard, but the socialist sentiment and the drive to shine fairy lights on how much the Tories have mercilessly screwed us makes them a worthy contender, nonetheless.


5. LIINES

Okay, LIINES’ cover of Lonely This Christmas may be a few years old now, but the track that features on the Riot GRRRL Christmas album will always be iconic. The Manchester-based post-punk outfit with their Sleater-Kinney-Esque far-reaching vocal lines, low reverberating bass growls and sludgy guitars brought a brand-new level of cool to the track, which reached Christmas number one when Mud put it out into the ether in 1974.